on the wagon and in the flow

i think i'm back on the wagon again. so far, i ran twice this week. not very far nor very fast, but nonetheless, i was pounding the pavement, which is what really matters. it couldn't have been a nicer day for it. the air was crisp with a slight chill in the breeze, and nary a cloud wandered wanton on the blue canopy above. i ran out to the tree covered trails where the shade abounds and a creek cuts smoothly through, sidewinding by with such languor that it lured me in with effortless ease. i stepped off the trail and sat by the flowing water for quite a while. it's a piece (albeit a very small piece) of old florida out there -before the bulldozers and development; prior to the boom, the bubble and the pop; shaded from the shady commissioners, mayors, realtors and developers who make deals to increase construction and destroy another habitat, another slice of sanity in the midst of this crazy world. but the water flows nonetheless. forest debris, sand, and pebbles are all carried along by the small currents that show up at times as liquid lines, shadows from the sun revealing the delicate dance of an ineffable, inexorable essence...

i ran back home and resolved to continue running.

cynical christian

my brother asked me if a christian should be cynical. i'm not sure i know the answer to that. i have a christian friend who is cynical about everything regarding christianity. he seems to hate the church, almost everyone in it, the way they preach, the way they talk or don't talk, their hypocrisy, their interests, their lack of interest, the music, their emphases, their outreach, their lack of oureach, ... well, you get the idea. granted, the guy has some legitimate points. but i remember something the pastor said from my old home church that was quite profound (and believe me, those moments were few and far between - there i go with my cynicism!). he said something along the lines that if you find a perfect church, don't go in because you'll ruin it. he makes a valid point here. i think if we include ourselves in our cynicism, then maybe we're engaging in nothing more than a bit of realism. however, when we're somehow absent from that equation, then perhaps there's a pride problem.

vulture hats and visibility

so i'm sitting on the couch at my favorite coffee shop today, grading papers when... in struts a rather rotund chap donning a vulture hat (yes, the very same kind as in the photo here - but don't let the attractive lady distract you from the explicit absurdity). all loungers stopped what they were doing and let their eyes follow this somewhat strange fellow as he made his way to order a coffee. i initially thought he was a hired clown about to perform in the courtyard or at a local party, but when i looked at his face as he walked by, i realized this was probably not the case. instead, i perceived in him an emptiness of sorts. though i think he took some satisfaction in the stares he received, there seemed to be a vortexual vacuity behind his eyes. he walked by me, made his way out the door and sat at the rot iron table by the window. i was sitting next to the glass, so i occasionally observed him during the next hour. i noticed that he made sure to meet the eyes of everyone who glanced his way. i couldn't tell if he was looking for a fight or recognition or both, but he certainly intended to provoke a response. he sat outside for quite a while chain smoking and occasionally falling asleep. i wonder if perhaps the man is normally so invisible to the world that this is his way to reappear, to get the looks, the stares, the attention that he needs to verify his existence. despite the dormant look in his eyes, it seems to me quite an ingenuous attempt.

naps: naughty or needful?

i've been on quite a nap kick lately. it's not that i choose to take a nap, it's more like the nap chooses to take me. i'm sitting on the couch grading papers on the computer, and next think you know i'm out. or else i realize the futility of resisting and i curl up all fetal like on our little two seat sofa. or i simiply let my head fall backwards and pass out. it's a recent phenomenon, but i wonder if perhaps since i succombed to it the first few times, my body now demands it everyday. on the one hand i thoroughly enjoy the nap, but then again, i'm losing precious hours that need to be spent working. this is part of the reason i've been making my way to a local coffee shop to do my work, but i've even fallen asleep there. am i on my way toward narcolepsy?! maybe all the sleep deprivation that i've experienced lately is taking me down that road. i've heard that quitting coffee can help increase your energy. don't know if i even want to believe that. but the thing is, when this nap necessity happens, coffee won't even touch it. for now i guess i'll limit the naps, if possible, to 30 mins. sometimes that recharges me enough to get back to work. other times i'm stuck in bed for 1-2 hours. just woke up from a 20, so i better take advantage of my energy and get back to work before it takes me again.

dog porn

I remember a bike ride I took a few months ago. Toward the end of it, I came across two dogs in someone's front yard behind a chain linked fence having sex. There they were right out in the open doing their thing. It seemed kind of bizarre to me. I mean obviously it's perfectly natural, but i guess it was the openness of it that caught me off guard. Here I am riding by, and they see me, but just keep on doing it anyway. There was no running off into the bushes or anything like that. They just.. well, you know.

The awkwardness of it made me reflect on a basic difference between man and animal. You don't see this kind of behavior amongst humans. Even if a couple decides they need new scenery to spice things up, they're going to generally find an isolated place to hook up. And they're not going to look too kindly on anyone interrupting their session. Doubtless you've heard the expression, or seen the bumper sticker "if the van is rockin', don't come a knockin;."

There is quite an enormous exception though when it comes to this human need for coitus concealment...pornography. I say enormous because it's one of the largest money making industries in the world. The purpose of pornography, of course, is to provide erotic stimulus to the purchaser of said entertainment through the exposure of the sexual exploits of others. This industry then makes its money by steering humans away from their innate sense of mating modesty and moving them toward a voyeuristic openness. It seems to me, such a move is a clear behavioral regression. It's a slide downwards away from true humanity toward a more bestial state of being. It's remarkably similar, in fact, to dogs having sex in the front yard behind a chain linked fence.

The Empty Grave (birds and bandwagons part 2)

We're coming up quickly on Holy Week...Easter is a little more than a week away. In light of this fact, I'd like to share a continuation of my previous post (birds and bandwagons). As I mentioned below, I came upon a little injured bird that we took care of until it died the other day. It's body was stiff, and the little tuff on it's head was all fluffed out. I buried it in our backyard. I made quite a to do about it so that my daughter and her cousin could find a little closure in the event. After digging a hole and burying the bird, I constructed a tiny cross out of bamboo and vine that I stuck in the ground just behind the grave. Then I piled rocks on the spot where I buried it. The kids handled it well, especially after seeing the little grave and saying a prayer by it. The next morning before school, they wanted to see the grave again, so I agreed to take them out right before it was time to leave. As I approached I observed the site and cringed. There was a hole where the rocks had been, and the bird was gone. My daughter immediately pinned it on a racoon, and her cousin simply resigned to the fact that "it was his time to go." My mind was moving more in the direction of my daughter's suggestion, but I figured it was more than likely one of the cats.

I must admit that the sight disturbed me. I mean graves are somewhat sacred, or at least taboo.. even the grave of a bird. All I wanted to know was who or what desecrated this site. Kind of silly, I know, but it got me thinking about the following portion of scripture:

"Early on the first day of the week while it was still dark, Mary Magdelene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance. So she came running...and said 'They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don't know where they have put him'
... but Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look in the tomb and saw two angels in white, seatedwhere Jesus' body had been
... They asked her, 'Woman why are you crying?' 'They have taken my Lord away,' she said, 'and I don't know where they have put him.' At this she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize it was Jesus
...'Woman', he said, 'why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?' Thinking he was the gardener, she said, 'Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him and I will get him.' Jesus said to her, 'Mary.'

I've always wondered what took Mary so long to get it. I mean angels are there, Jesus himself even shows up, and she's still asking about the body! What's up with that? I've often wondered. Don't you understand? He's alive. But this experience with the bird has given me new sympathy for the poor lady. I mean once you see something or someone dead, the finality of it sticks to your brain. She saw him dead, and so to her, an empty grave had to mean robbers, theives, or gardeners.

To me it meant racoons, cats, or some other critter. And doubtless, if birds return to their maker, resurrection has been delayed for our little friend, and his body was consumed much quicker than I had intended. But hope springs from empty bird graves marked by crosses and invaded by critters nonetheless. Because though consumption comes to all, the cross and the empty grave give evidence that there was one who couldn't be consumed, even by death and decay. A missing dead bird, a small empty hole and two sticks tied together were reminders to me that death has been defeated, and restoration awaits this earth and resurrection God's people

birds and bandwagons

i haven't run in a week. i don't know why; it simply seems that i've fallen off the wagon for a bit. perhaps i will tomorrow, but i really don't feel so inclined at this point. sometimes i think i'd rather walk. i mean i get the sense that i may be missing something by jogging past it all so quickly (quickly may be a bit of an exaggeration).

i went for a walk the other day after hearing the firetrucks pass our home, and i made a discovery that i may not have made otherwise. i walked down to where i heard all the commotion. there was a fire at a condo down the road from us, but that seemed to me rather incidental. the fireman said it was a relatively small fire so i turned around to walk back home. on my way back, i made the real discovery. i noticed a mockingbird swooping down to peck at another bird that seemed to be grounded on the concrete below. i almost kept going, but i felt compelled to check it out. a little bird, a cedar waxwing crescent, had apparently been knocked out of the sky by the mocking bird and suffered some injury that prevented it from flight. i guess the bully bird wasn't content with his victory, but rather continued harrassing the little one as it struggled to regain footing. i got very close to the crescent yet he didn't fly away. so i reached down, picked him up and walked the rest of the way back with him. when i got to the house, i found a shoebox, put holes in it, and made him a little home and some sunflower seeds for dinner. my daughter and her cousin were thrilled to have our guest.

yesterday it looked as though he was getting better. he seemed perkier and ready to try out his wings. so we gave him the opportunity out front, but he couldn't do it. he hopped and fluttered but only mangaged to make it a couple feet in the air. my wife located the small wound on the inside portion of his left wing. we decided then that we would take him the next day to the "bird lady", a local woman who specializes in helping injured birds. but when i checked on him this morning, he was dead.

given my intro, perhaps you were expecting a happier ending to this story. but regardless of how it ended, the truth is, had i been running, i would have missed the opportunity to even attempt to rescue the bird. not all rescue attempts succeed, but i think most of them are worth trying.
i'm still not convinced to hang up my running shoes, but slowing down a bit is probably a good idea.

Highway Hypocrisy

I became starkly aware of my own hypocrisy today. As I drove, I noticed that a car in front of me didn't speed up enough to prevent some interloper from butting in line to make a right hand turn for which the rest of us were waiting patiently . I was pissed at the man who presumptously passed this line of cars to esteem himself and his schedule more than the rest of us and ours, and I was none too happy with the guy in front of me for not driving more assertively to prevent such a usurper. But it soon settled on me that the driver that cut in front of us all could very well have been me on another day. After all, I've done the same thing many times. In fact, I even get irritated with drivers who try to prevent me from making such an obnoxious maneuver (drivers like me). I guess on any given day I can play the cop or the criminal. Oh...the double standard!

Amalgamation vs Intersection

Pantheism: the idea that god is all things and all things are god.

Monism: there is one ultimate reality.

The two terms above could be used synonymously most of the time. Many Hindus believe in a monism where all things are Brahman. Atman (the soul) = Brahman which is the great sea of souls. Any perception of individuality is an illusion. Therefore, according to the Hindu, I am Brahman and Brahman is me. In fact, me and I are tenuous terms at best.

I must admit that I find this belief somewhat attractive. For one, we live in an extremely individualistic society, and at first glance, this way of thinking is a good remedy for a self centered world. There is also an inter-connectedness that I find rather alluring here. The film Avatar portrays an indigenous pantheism which demonstrates the harmony that ensues from the reality that all living things are adjoined.

Perhaps the reason these beliefs are attractive to me is that since modernity, western Christianity has cleanly cleaved God from his creation. I don't doubt that God is distinct from what he's made, but the modern view has had him living in a far away place on a far away throne, issuing judgments from his faraway field trip.

Interestingly enough, most basic (indigenous) religions believe in a supreme god who created things and then left us to interact with the local spirits, the ones who will actually hear us and act on our behalf. Monism is certainly an evolutionary step away from this belief among the Indian religions. It seems to me that it consists of a desire to be one with the divine; to reconnect with that deity who walked away from this god forsaken earth; in fact, a desire to be so close that there is no distiction.

I find it interesting that in Christian history we have a heresy that attempted as much when it came to the person of Jesus Christ. Eutyches (380-456 AD) essentially asserted that Jesus' human nature was swallowed up by his divine nature; the heresy was later called monphysitism (one nature). The reason this notion was rejected is because if Jesus didn't have a human nature, then he was not fully human as it had been asserted. The insidious nature of this heresy is that it denigrates humanity and gives way to a transcendentalism that seeks to escape this body and this world as opposed to being involved with its renewal.

Perhaps monism leads us down the same path. If all is one, and the purpose is to realize this oneness and escape this world, this body, these illusions, then how shall we live? Certainly, karma is part of the equation, but karma is a personal matter, and so again we enter the world of individualism. We strive individually to enter enlightenment and realize Brahman. Perhaps this isn't so different in it's strategy than many forms of Christianity today. Heaven and earth have been cleaved so cleanly in many denominations that salvation becomes merely a fire escape. Since the world and the flesh are passing away, the only thing to live for is the life to come. Humanity and the world are thereby denigrated and the purpose of salvation is lost in a sea of souls that seek liberation from this world and their dying bodies.

But if we view God as distinct, yet present in his creation; if we view Jesus as divine and human; if we see the world and the flesh as good but fallen; if we realize that salvation entails restoration which is more about bringing heaven to earth than it is about separating them, then we're more likely to move away from individualism and self centered ideology. We're more likely to live for the day, yet retain hope for the future. We're more likely to live in community and for community. I believe, in fact, that we're more likely to live in line with reality and more apt to see and live in the many places where heaven and earth intersect.

pink squishy ball

i observed my daughter and her cousin playing the other day. my daughter was off in her own world and quite happy to play with some little glittery sticker that she found. that is until she noticed that her cousin grabbed from her toy box a squishy, pink ball. then she became discontent and desired to play with the ball too. kids, i thought, what makes them so possessive?

i was reminded later of a shameful time during my courtship with my wife. i had wandering eyes while on a trip which led later to communication between myself and another woman. my wife (then girlfriend) discovered an indicting piece of evidence and broke up with me. we stayed friends for a while , and eventually our relationship budded again. but i really didn't have a lot of interest in pursuing things much beyond the "a little more than friends" level. that is until...she told me she was going on a date with another man. soon thereafter, my comittment level dramatically increased, and eventually we were engaged and married. i guess i just couldn't let anyone else play with my pink, squishy ball.

Patrick's party

sad to say i had no beer on st. patty's day. i guess i could rush the fridge and slosh down my last guiness. but it's already 12:30 am, so i don't know that it really counts at this point.

i think next year i'd like to go to a outdoor celebration. the kind where green beer is a flowing in the streets; and everywhere you look, you see a lovely lass in a green hat; where irish songs echo in the alleys and where the air wafts wildly with the aroma of fish and chips. now that is the way to celebrate the life of st. patrick - a man who brought the jubilant message of jesus to the irish people.

rest assured or demurred?

i slept for about an hour last night. this and other recent nights of similar sleep deprivation have made me ponder my prepubescent aspirations to engage in insane episodes of forced insomnia. why were all-nighters ever appealing to me? why did i always want to stay up late as a child? it seems so bizzare to me now, because rest is all i really want anymore.

it makes me more sympathetic to the plight of the cat for two reasons. first, on the surface level, cat's sleep 19+hours a day. enough said about that. second, and slightly more profound, cats always want to be on the other side of the door behind which they currently find themselves. e.g. our inside cat wants out, and our outside cats want in. i guess i'm an outside cat now and i was an inside cat when i was young. why do i say that? because right now i really want in so i can jump on that big fluffy, pillow infested, blanket covered, squishy, lovely, wonderful bed.

good night, folks!