Jul 2, 2009
appropriate agnomen
A horsefly is aptly named insofar as it congregates around the equine. Yet insofar as it deviates from said congregation and feasts upon the soft tissue of pedestrians or passing runners, its moniker might be altered to a more fitting flag, such as human flesh-eating f*&!er.
Scaredy Cat?
We have three outdoor cats... all black. Noah, the youngest, biggest and dumbest is my cat. I've had him since he could fit in the palm of my hand. Someone found him abandoned in the street on a hot summer day. Perhaps the heat stunted his IQ, because it sure didn't stunt his growth. He's a lummox of a cat who's deathly afraid of thunderstorms and the yard company. At times, he gets so scared that he busts through the screen on our porch to take solace from the lightning or the lawnmower. He also let's the other two smaller female cats push him out of the way at the food bowl. After being rudely butted in line, he'll go and lie down on the patio and patiently wait his turn (that is unless I'm out there -- the girl cats know he eats first if I'm around). With all of his cowardly quirks, however, when it comes to a very important matter, Noah is braver than most men.
I was sitting outside on the patio the other day when I notice him sneaking up on something I couldn't see on the other side of the porch. Whenver he gets in that mode, it's extremely fun to scare him with a clap of the hands or some other loud noise. I didn't miss the opportunity. He jumped, I laughed, and then he wandered off to do his normal cat duties (nap or eat), or so I supposed. Minutes later, the distinct sound of slithering got my attention about 3 yards away. A four foot long water mocassin sailed through the grass with Noah hot on his trail. I ran quickly to get the rake, and then came back out into the yard where Noah and the snake had stopped. I yelled out for Noah to move, which he did, and then I took a lame swing at the serpent who resumed his trek straight into the woods behind our house.
Yes, Noah is what you'd call a scaredy cat when it comes to storms and lawnmowers, but his feline instincts and curiosity allowed him to ferret a deadly snake out of our yard. He may not have survived a battle with the beast, but I guarantee you he would have given it a go had I not been there to stop him.
It makes me think how at times the cowardice of one coincides with the courage of another.
May 21, 2009
DINGLE SCHNITZ
Doubtless, at one time or another, you've wondered about the etymology of cuss words. How did they come into being? What do they actually mean? What's the history of their usage? Well, dream with me for a moment about the potential of a malediction without meaning or etymology? That's right...what if someone created a cuss word as a substitute for the real thing because, I don't know, maybe he/she has a young child in front of whom it would be inappropriate to drop an 'F' bomb. I know what you're thinking, it's already been done-- dang, darn, flippin', crap, gosh, etc. True enough, but each of these neutered naughties was modeled after a prototype. My suggestion, nay my proposal, is an expletive with an original flair. One that conveys the fullness of foulness, yet retains a uniqueness all its own. One that is so multifunctional it could be used as a general curse when you stub your toe or as a moniker for the moron that cut you off as he tossed his cigarette out the window (thereby leaving his litter on the ledge of your windshield wiper). If I may, let me introduce the inception of such an invective. I hereby present to you....DINGLE SCHNITZ. Laugh initially if you must, but once you begin to slur it on a regular basis, I trust you will find it most gratifying. It flows nicely off the tongue, and when used as a vocative, the proclitic on the second syllable of the first word seems to glide on to the next with such natural annoyance that satisfaction is assured. I give you this word for free. It is my gift to an angry, guilt ridden world. Use it liberally. There are no consequences.
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